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Broken But Beautiful

I was ready to turn 30. I was ready to leave my insecurities behind. I was ready to stop trying to impress everyone. I was ready to be a “real adult.” My body, however, had something else in mind!

I will spare everyone (ok, mainly the men!) all the details, but after a year and a half of blood tests, MRIs, Cat scans, etc, I was finally diagnosed with hypothyroid, P.C.O.S., and borderline anxiety disorder. I was/am a hot mess!

I thought having a diagnoses would solve all of my problems. I was actually really excited when I found out I had cysts. Finally! I had an answer! I was sick. I wasn’t crazy…

But that excitement was quickly taken over by insecurities and a lot of  fear. What do I have to offer the world? Am I a good person? My friends are surely tired of hearing me cry/complain all the time. Will they care that there is a medical reason behind it? Will I over-come that? Will I find a man after gaining so much weight? Will he want to stay after hearing all my medical issues? I’m ugly. I’m fat. I’m worthless…..etc

Thankfully I started seeing a therapist. And, as you can imagine, the main focus was self love.

As I continued through therapy, my therapist and I started thinking of clever sayings to help me remember “rules” to live by. For example “moods don’t lead to food” I created a board to hang in my room with my rules. I looked at it when I got dressed in the morning to help me have a good day.

Slowly and slowly I started to feel better. I wanted to create a clock for myself. I wanted the clock to represent my journey. I wanted it to be inspirational.

I started looking at the sand dollars I had left over from Pismo Beach. I had collected a lot of broken sand dollars. Some were cracked. Some had holes in them. Some had barnacles I had to remove from them, but the circles were still there. That never stopped me from picking them up because they were still a sand dollar. And I still found them beautiful….

They were Broken but Beautiful!!! And that became my new “rule” I was (still am) very broken. But I was (still am) beautiful. I was determined to remember that every day. And what better way to remember, than to see it every time I look at the time?

I learned how to make paint crack. I brought stencils with a specific font that looked “broken” Unlike the original clock, I wanted this clock to be flawed. It wasn’t enough for just the shells to be broke. I needed something that really represented me and the way I felt. This clock needed to be powerful. It needed to be inspirational. It needed to be perfectly imperfect.

The clock is on my dresser next to my “rules” board. I smile every time I look at it. I see the sand dollars and remember my vacation. I remember how much fun I had on the beach. I remember the gifts I made. I’m an artist. I’m talented. I have something to offer this world. Despite my medical issues and being completely broken, I am beautiful!

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