- I’m exhausted but cannot sleep
- I’m starving but cannot eat
- I’ve had a bad headache all week
- Blankets off, too cold
- Blankets on, I over-heat
- My acid reflux is off the charts
- And I’m nursing a broken heart
This week is shark week (sorry males). Since my diagnosis, with medication and a lot of supplements, I have no idea if I’m getting better or not. My symptoms come and go. Something will get better and something else will get worse. One month will be alright, the next will be terrible. This month has been the worst month in quite some time. ALL of my symptoms came back. I can’t sleep, I have NO appetite, nothing sounds good, but my stomach hurts from being hungry, I’m struggling with depression, I have had a bad headache almost every day, I feel so alone / miss my friends more than words can say, my cramps are out of this world…
I can stay sane at work cuz I’m busy. I can mostly stay sane when I get home from work cuz I have things to do. I literally lose my shit after tossing and turning for more than an hour.
Of course, all of my health problems are my fault. If I ate better, if I was better at taking my medications/supplements, if I worked out more, if I didn’t eat that piece of chocolate, if I drank more water…then I would feel better.
But I can’t eat right all the time, workout every single day, have my medications on me at all times, drink 120 ounces of water…
Because I’m not disciplined, in shape, motivated…….a good person.
And I have a blog to write. I captured my journey in pictures. I have a picture of me as a “strong, independent, happy women” I went through hell and made it out. That’s the phoenix tattoo. And I’m a giant hypocrite and should give all this up….
OR SHOULD I?!?
- I was offered and accepted a job on Tuesday after I rocked an interview.
- I booked a trip to Boston to meet a good friend’s baby.
- I paid extra on my car payment.
- I brought baseball tickets.
- I gave a free Sam’s Club membership to a friend that needed it.
- I applied for several jobs in areas I would like to eventually live in.
- I got my stubborn ass dog to actually take his medicine without jamming it down his little throat!!
- I can write this list of accomplishments and be proud of myself for not completely giving up this week.
I’m human. I fail. I’m going to continue to fail. I do not have my shit together and maybe I never will. But every day I strive to be better. I continue on with the fight. I am very, very Broken….and I am still Beautiful.